There have been and will be times when parents die, friends go their own way, blood or natural brothers brutally or, on the contrary, imperceptibly leave, lovers or spouses divorce, die, abandon or go to battle with unseen enemies and unknown to anyone but themselves, people with whom you saw yourself sitting on the beach old and wrinkled, laughing with all the muscles atrophied by years and common memories… pieces of you, with whom you thought you would grow old, are emaciated and take it in another direction and… you wake up naked. Stripped off of loved ones. Disabled. Surrounded by crowds, but alone. Belonging to no one. Suspended between heaven and earth. Not there, nor there.
Empty. Outside and inside. Like a seven-eleven bag whose contents you emptied and put in the bag with bags, to use it for the trash can or transport country eggs from grandparents.
And you fight to find out why, like a child who has just discovered the question and is terrorizing his parents from morning till night. It’s just that now you’re terrorizing yourself, like a fool, cause no one else has answers to give you, even if they give them to you. Even so, you have no idea if these are the right answers.
You start to give it various meaning, to overanalyze until you get grey hair; you start thinking that maybe you could have done things differently, that you were wrong there, or there; you feel guilty, you suffer, you blame yourself, you revolt, you start to tell yourself that there might be a lesson to be learned (cause it is still the trend with lessons), you try to come to terms with the idea, to accept. What to accept, bro? It makes no sense! I do not accept anything! But I obey. Yes, it makes no sense, other than the one you want to give, the one you can come to terms with, which helps you float your boat.
But, if you’re lucky, somewhere, someday, there will be a click in all this question-filled loneliness, and you will realize that you are no more alone than when they were next to you. You are as alone as ever. You can touch your body and convince yourself if you don’t believe me, that you are just one, you have no one attached to your body (even a baby is only attached for 9 months).
You are just as alone as you were when you were born and when you went to school in a sea of strangers and when you went on stage dead of fear, and when you die, you will still be alone. And that, for a while, other people, as lonely as you, chose to accompany you and you chose to accompany them, fooling life a little and yourself that you belong to somebody in the mysterious thing called life.
And only then will you realize that, although it seems extremely unfair that these people, whom you felt were pieces of you, are no longer with you now, yet life has given them to you to walk together with a piece of the road. Life gave them to you! Or God, the universe… whatever you want to call it. And only then you’ll know that you’re not alone. You’re not with them anymore, you’re always alone, but you’re not alone.
If in all this loneliness of life, someone or something has brought to you, at least for a while, good people who have filled your soul like that, be grateful that they were, instead of being angry that they are no more. And no, you don’t have to accept anything, but if you can, just leave the door ajar because everyone has their own path, and maybe you’re lucky to have theirs go again through your yard or vice versa.
And if not, this is fine too!
