Ideally, you should be at peace and happy with both, but sometimes, maybe most of the time, you are put in a position to choose. We all seek that at the end of the day to be in the arms of the man we love and who loves us, to receive and give affection, to fall asleep peacefully on the sound of rain and his breath, preferably after making awesome lovesex.
Does it exist? It does! Cross my heart. Maybe sometimes, instead of quiet breathing, it’s an awful snoring-snoring cause he caught a cold or he is a smoker, and you are elbowing him amused or exasperated; other times there is no rain but a clear sky full of stars in which you both look hopefully; and other times lovesex was replaced, after a deadly day at work, by an episode of your favorite series, but that’s just life. But it’s still peace in your head when you put it on your pillow while crocheting dreams with your eyes open.
Sometimes, however, the cart starts to squeak, and you know exactly that, even if you put your head on the same arm, in the same way, looking at the same stars, trying to crochet, as usual, ribbing, the thread keeps breaking, and there is no peace. Not anymore. Just chaos. Chaos that encompasses everything and puts a knot in your throat, in which streams of tears and dislocated pieces of soul stop at bedtime and awakening.
And you go on like this for a while trying to lie to yourself, and in the evening when his arms protect you, you find some peace within, but in the morning, that mirror you look at when you brush your teeth refuses to align with the lie: She replies bitterly that this is not the deal you made, that you promised her smiles and not faces twisted with tears.
You give her a forced smile to reassure her, but you know as well as I do that at the end of your life when you look back in the mirror of time, you will realize that it should have been more important whom you woke up in the mirror in the morning with than whom you went to bed in the evening with.
Obviously, if you fit in with the lucky ones whose mirror still smiles back at the bottom of their soul, telling them they have everything they ever wanted, do whatever the fuck you need to do to keep it that way!
