Leave, stay, tell him, don’t tell him, shout, shut up, cry quietly, cry with words, smile sarcastically, slap him, hug him, throw plates, gather shards or step on them, run, hide, come back, come, get drunk, run until it passes, lie down in the middle of the street under the full moon, set fire, put out the fire, let go, don’t let go, tear up the pictures, hold them close to your heart, wet them with tears, swear at them, cut out butterflies, go to bed, wake up… wake up… wake up… but whatever you do, do only the things you know you can forgive yourself for.
When you have crossed that line that you no longer recognize yourself after, when you have done things that cut a few inches of your height and made you walk hunched over, stop! Maybe you shouted too loud until your voice broke and you didn’t recognize it yourself, maybe you were too stubborn trying to change things that couldn’t be changed, or you were too stubborn not to change the ones that you could change, maybe you chose not to say when you felt like saying, maybe you stayed too long, or you let go too quickly.
It’s different for each one of us; only you know yours, but those are the things that will haunt you, the things for which you would like to go back in time just to erase them, the things you can’t forgive yourself for. The rest fits into love category.
Next time, be smarter and don’t do them. Do whatever you feel, except the things you know you can’t forgive yourself for. Do you know what you can’t forgive yourself for?
