Yes, sometimes even a bitch like me is fucked up. Sometimes big time! You didn’t think that everything is pink and fluffy or that these thoughts come from books or a beautiful dream. Most often, these are conclusions that come from far too tumultuous experiences.
Back to the point. At uneven intervals, I end up fucked up. I usually do it with my own hands. Cause this is how I like to live. But I don’t care too much about fucking up, and I’ve always had the certainty that no matter how hard I hit the fence, I’ll sort it out. Until recently, when I thought I was going to crack.
I walked that fine line between sane and insane… that’s what I think; that’s how it felt. The details are superfluous at the moment. The fact is that there was a noise in my brain that I did not know how to calm down. My two neurons were fighting like you wouldn’t believe it. They have been so angry with each other several times in their lives, but I usually calmed them down either by running or dancing or singing (pretty out of tune, if I have to be honest) or sleeping. My gift at birth is that I can sleep almost anytime, anywhere. When I was a child, apparently, I slept as I walked through the park with my mother holding my hand. Over the years, sleep therapy has repeatedly saved my life. When I woke up stupid, I would go back to sleep, then tested how I woke up. If I was still stupid, I would repeat the process. Until I woke up a second smarter. Or until the pain has become bearable. Eh, now what do you think? Sleep didn’t come either. Serious shit!
A noise in my brain and my soul and in my life, covered by a piece of exhaustion caused by working without downtime, running back and forth through my life and the lives of others and here’s how I had a little bit left, and I’m going to go off the rails. I would have cut my head off if I could put it back on after, just to turn off the processor for 5 minutes.
Well, one night, when I crawled exhausted to the corner store to buy cigarettes, God finally had mercy on me. Yes, even a bitch like me has her god, different from the one in the bible, but to understand each other, I call him god… we can call him Alex if you want, he’s a kind of a programmer, he’s not as pretentious, and he doesn’t punish people. And as I got back from the store, on the dark street, my eyes suddenly closed.
– Dude, now you wanna sleep? Wait to get home!
But the eyes no and no… they wanted to stay closed. So I walked with my eyes closed, especially since there were only parked cars behind the building, not much traffic, and if one had appeared, I would have heard it. I hadn’t seen any pits or construction work on my way to the store, so I didn’t have much chance of falling into a construction site.
Suddenly, I slowed down, not wanting to break my neck. I was barely moving… something like snail speed. Suddenly, I felt the odors of the street… partly unpleasant, to be honest, but then there was a smell of flowers. I heard the pebble I kicked. I felt another one I stepped on. I felt my toes… they were somehow tense. Is that how they’ve been all my life? I relaxed them, and it seemed I started to walk better. I felt my shoulders painfully tense; I relaxed them too and straightened my back.
It was so weird and wonderful at the same time. All the thoughts were gone, and I was there, full and calm. You can think of it as a kind of more dubious meditation technique, meaning being so careful not to break your neck walking with your eyes closed, you have no other option than to be 100% here and now, so the brain can no longer dance in the past or the future.
At one point, I stopped, instinctively somehow. I opened my eyes…I was a few inches from a parked car. How come I didn’t hit it? How did I know when to stop? Don’t know, don’t care. I adjusted the direction and closed my eyes again. I entered the building; I took the stairs step by step; I entered the house; I didn’t even turn on the light.
My universe, which I thought I knew, suddenly changed. I felt again the smell of the house, the smell that I love and that I only notice when I return from a long trip; I discovered how annoying and noisy the water from the bathroom flows; how scary and throbbing it is to remove your make-up with your eyes closed when the make-up remover is placed next to the nail polish remover, and the containers are similar… you rely on the smell. However, you still have a wrench when you put it on your face; how funny it is to trip over all the messy things you leave out of place.
I felt my clothes differently on my skin; my blouse made me shiver when I slowly took it off so I won’t hit the walls. Suddenly, I was hungry. I fumbled in the fridge and chose something… it didn’t even matter what. It’s just that…I couldn’t also carry the casserole and the phone and the cigarettes anymore… I had to take them one by one. More interesting was when I had to take the bread out of the toaster because I had to choose between waiting and burning my fingers… I won’t tell you what I chose.
That’s how it got quiet in the head after a long time. I think more than quiet. Peace.
It might sound like not a really big deal. For me, it was…wow! Not to mention what the next day was like, my brain seemed to have restarted, and after months it was working efficiently, even beyond the usual parameters on good days. Double wow!
I don’t know if it works for everyone. I only know that it worked for me… and that if at least one of you struggles in a sea of thoughts which he can no longer control and take him to the brink of madness, maybe what I wrote will help him at least for 5 minutes.
